It happened when I was in my car on my way home from walking Gabe (ourdog).
He simply said “you have always lived in the palm of My hand, why would thisbe any different?”
It was the answer to a question that I had been pestering God about forweeks. Even before I got my diagnosis, I knew in my soul what washappening to me. I also knew exactly what the journey would look like andit’s not a pretty picture.
I will forget my own history and will begin to forget those I love, myrelationship to them and all our shared stories. I will be unable to lookafter myself, I will need help dressing and walking short distances. I willthen lose the ability to speak or interact in any meaningful way with those Ilove. It’s possible that I will have hallucinations that will be veryreal for me and confusing for those around me. I will become incontinentand eventually I will not be able to sit up on my own and will require 24-hourcare. One of the most common causes of death for people with dementiais pneumonia caused by an infection.
Given all of that the question I had been pestering God about wasthis. Would it be OK if I just take myself out of the equation while I amstill aware enough to do that? In essence I was asking God if it would beOK if I killed myself.
On this particular day I was determined to get this sorted out and so Imentally beat on Gods door demanding an answer. His answer came in the wordsabove and with the following two stories.
The first is that I used to work with a lovely lady who has Huntington's inher family. They were visiting her mother-in-law last year and a nursepopped in mid visit. She said to my friend and her husband that thepatient loved it when they visited. They both said the right thing andnodded but did not believe the nurse. She was able to sense that and thenasked questions of the patient in a way that she could respond and it turns outshe really did know who they were and she did in fact love their visits. They both left the hospital in tears and were thrilled to find out their Mumwas still in there after all. I think most of the family believed theirloved one had “left the building” some time ago.
The other picture that flashed on my mental video tape was something I readin a book probably 30 years ago. The book is The Hiding Place by CorrieTeen Boon. Long story short her family hid Jews during the war, thefamily were eventually arrested and sent to Ravensbrook concentrationcamp. She survived the camp due to a typing error. She was supposedto be on a list for the gas chamber but instead she was incorrectly added tothe list of those who could still work i.e. the living list.
Later in her life Corrie had a number of strokes and was bedridden until herdeath. Those who looked after Corrie all agreed that they were not theonly people in her room. They all felt certain that they were sharing thespace with angels who were busy nursing Corrie’s spirit and soul while thosearound her nursed her body. I loved that picture when I read it and nowhere it was taken from the filing cabinet in my mind and placed before me.
So, I am on the road asking if it’s OK for me to go and His reply was “youhave always lived in the palm of My hand, why would this be any different?”
He showed me with the first story that just because we think people have“left the building” mentally - we can be wrong.
The second story told me that God already has a plan for my final days onearth and it involves angels. The idea that angels would be beside meuntil the end fills me with awe and wonder and all the fear and anxiety, I hadabout my future melted away.
The final thought I received in that car was that there is something I needto learn from this journey but only if I am open enough.
My response was floods of tears, I had to pull the car over in order to havea good old cry complete with snot and of course there was not a tissue to befound anywhere in the car. I did eventually find a napkin whichtook care of my face and then I just said aloud “yes”.
It’s a yes to the journey, it’s a yes to learning whatever I need to, it’s ayes to allowing God to be in control of it all, even the hard stuff. It’sa yes to surrendering my will for His. It was all just one great big YES.
I wanted to share this story with you because it fundamentally changed theway I am thinking about the rest of my life. I started this blog the next dayand this should have been my first post but I wanted to sit with it for a whilebefore sharing it further afield.
Here is something I know for sure – I know that this is part of Gods planeven if that sounds insane to you. Do I think God made me sick, hell no;but I do believe He uses situations like these to show us His endless andamazing grace.