I knew exactly what the results would say and when the day came to hear them, I decided to stay in bed instead. I understand intellectually and emotionally why I did that - who wants to face actual proof that you are in fact losing your mind just a little bit every day?
My doctor was not to be thwarted - he phoned me instead to go through the results of the PET scan I had taken the week before. He confirmed what Greg and I already knew - that I have early onset Alzheimer's at the age of 54.
I’ve done the research and I know exactly what is ahead of me and it's terrifying. To be honest I believe it’s more harrowing for those who love me. At some point I will retreat into my own wee world while everyone else
is left grieving the person who is still alive in front of them. I keep imagining if this was happening to Greg and what that might feel like – I simply cannot.
I am going to need a place to sort through my feelings and thoughts hence this blog. I am also a weirdo who is fascinated to see if those reading my blog will pick up on changes to my writing which I am sure you will. Finally, I want those I love to know what’s happening for me. I would like to encourage them on this side of the journey and perhaps some of my thoughts will give them comfort on the other.
One of my favourite movies is Amélie and I like the way we meet each character with a simple list of things that person loves so here goes my top four things that helpfully begin with the letter G and are in no particular order.
Greg is my favourite thing, my very favourite thing.
Gabe is a small dog with a tiny brain and a massive heart. When I was a little girl, I had a teddy who I adored. I wished desperately for him to come alive at night-time and play with me. Gabe is that teddy bear and I get to hang out with him 24/7.
God is a conversation stopper if you find the other person does not believe as you do - but I hope you hang in there with me regardless. I feel at the moment as though I am sitting in the palm of God's hands, and He has promised that no matter what the journey ahead looks like He will be with me every step of the way. That brings me a comfort which feels like a warm blanket on a frosty morning.
Garden is a magical place where grace abounds. There is a seat which Greg made for me and it’s the place I go when the world gets too big. The garden itself has grown organically with time, I planted shrubs in the wrong places and yet they thrive, some plants self-seed while others need more help - in short, I’m still learning. I have also decorated my meadow with wind chimes, bird houses and anything shiny that will stay put amongst the trees.
It's best to tackle these things head on and so I am embracing the dark title and acknowledging that as usual my husband can sum things up in one short sentence when I would still be talking it to death.