That’s what it feels like in my head right now, like someone turned the lights on in my brain and I’ve woken up.
It’s incredible to me that 5mg of a drug can have such an effect and I will be increasing to 10mg in the next week or so. I may have to go through the whole dizzy, nausea stuff again but I know now that it does pass and I am prepared.
I still have no idea what day of the week it is but I am able to concentrate on tasks, logically think through step-by-step stuff and I have way more energy. It’s such a gift in every sense of that word and I plan to wring as much as I can out of this stolen time.
The not-so-great news is that when these meds stop having these miraculous effects, I will regress back to how I was beforehand as well as any decline that was masked by the drugs during that time. Not sure if that makes sense to you but I’m trying to say that it’s possible I will come off the meds and go straight into dementia.
It just means that I need to be prepared for that eventuality. I want to say that I am but the reality is who could ever be prepared for that? I understand the concept intellectually but my heart and soul cannot comprehend what that will mean in reality.
I just take each day as it comes and for a classic type A personality that comes as a shock! I’ve always been the planner, the organiser and the person who thinks about the tiny details. Nowadays I make plans and book appointments but if on the day itself things are tricky then I just reschedule.
More than anything else I have this feeling of utter peace. I am no longer in charge of my life but that does not rattle me anymore. I am learning to lean into this journey and just deal with what each day brings. I am blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by people who love me regardless of what my brain is doing on any given day.
I was working at the op shop yesterday and I was half joking with the lovely Paula about the fact that one day soonish I might not be able to do anything more than make cups of tea for the staff. She took my face in her hands and said something along the lines of - that will be just fine, we will take you in any form you come Rachel.
I smiled all the way home.