When I was ten, we moved twice from Dunedin to Christchurch and then from Christchurch to Wellington. My siblings went to three schools that year and I went to four because the first primary school we tried in Christchurch was simply not for me.
I realised for the first time what a wonderful primary school I had attended in Dunedin. You often don’t know how good you have it until it’s taken away and it was during that year, I realised why we try to keep our kids in the same school where possible.
There is a comfort that comes from having known your peers since you were five. There is an assurance knowing all the various teachers and having a principal who knows more than just your name. Being new is terrifying - all eyes are on you. Say one weird thing and your doomed. You've gotten to know me by now ... I always blurt out something weird. I was indeed doomed.
I remember very little of that year except for church. It was my favourite day of the week because I got to go to Sunday school and learn more. I could not get enough of the stories from the bible and we also discussed that Jesus would be coming back soon.
For whatever reason there was a belief floating about at that time that Jesus was on his way back soon to collect the faithful. There was also a movie out titled A thief in the night which frankly terrified me. As a result, I expected a knock at the door at any moment and for Jesus to be behind it saying “hello, I’ve come to collect you”
One day I got home from somewhere only to find the house empty. There had been some emergency or other and nobody had thought or had time to leave me a note explaining their absence.
I spent about five minutes checking each and every room in the house just in case the family were tucked into a cupboard having afternoon tea without me. I came up empty.
I remember then having a truly terrifying thought - "what if the rapture had happened and I had been left behind?" I wanted to scream “Beam me up Scotty” because I was sure at that time that I belonged to Him. I should have been listed on the manifest. Perhaps I had been incorrectly labelled?
Instead of being dematerialized and transported to heaven my earthly family arrived back home from wherever they had been and life continued on.
As you can see the details either side of this story have been lost to time but the feeling, I had in that moment has stayed with me ever since. It’s quite something to think you have not been chosen even if it was for a few minutes.
As a teenager/young adult I wandered away from God but He never wandered away from me. I remember being on a bumpy flight and was concerned that we might crash. Again, in that moment I knew I was not right with God and that feeling of being left behind washed over me again.
You know in your bones when you are on the right path don’t you? We know the minute we have said something in either haste or jest that we should not have. We know that doing that thing with that person is not a good idea but - we do it anyway.
What’s separating you from certainty? Are you truly on your own path or are you on someone’s else’s? Is that path heading towards something good or is it just leading you away from something else?
Those are all the questions that pop up at 2am and you already know the right answer - you just have to be willing to be honest with yourself.