I'm back!

 

I am so sorry for the long gap between posts but I stupidly told the universe that I was "well" and then ... I really wasn't.


I have spent the past few weeks in the loveliest bedroom I could create and even with all of that I began to hate my bedroom walls. I kept thinking that "tomorrow I will be fine" only to find that the next day I was worse. I think poor Greg was beginning to think I would be bedridden forever.


I am going to cautiously mutter that I feel much better this week than I have in the past 8-9 weeks but please do not quote me! Let’s not tempt fate if such a thing exists.


I found that it really is difficult trying to be your own cheerleader when you just don't have the energy. It has helped me to understand why depression is so often associated with any long-term illness. You really want to be well enough to go to the end of your garden but you just know that you are not. It’s hard not to feel a bit sorry for yourself and before you know it your deep in your head and its full of ugly grey clouds.


I wanted to tell you that I had two weeks of feeling depressed on top of feeling unwell because I want to be honest about this journey of mine.  Its not all going to be rainbows and happy emoji's, much of the journey is going to quite simply suck!


My mum always tells me that my silence is "deafening" and she knows something is 'up' when she has not heard from me in a while.  I suspect that if I am not posting it will be a similar story and I have so appreciated the texts and phone calls from those who clearly heard my silence.  Bless you for understanding and for caring about me.


Please know that I am doing so much better now that I am well again and I have been so well cared for. Greg has been taking me out of the house on road trips to exotic locations like ... Greytown! It’s only a twenty-minute trip but it felt like literal heaven to be able to see the cows and the green hills, they do your soul good.


Gabe is also a delicious caregiver but he did begin to get a little bit worried about me. The day I got out of bed, put on shoes and went with him and Greg in the car I thought his wee tail might literally wag itself off. He prefers a dog mum who is upright and I can totally relate.


We planted a bunch of spring bulbs a few months ago into various containers and they are all beginning to poke their wee heads out - Spring feels very close and I am so grateful for that.


Thats exactly how I feel this week - cautiously popping my head up and hoping that there are no big storms or hard frosts on the way to blow me back down again. I want to bloom a lovely bright colour again and begin some of my old but lovely routines again.