I knew exactly what the results would say and when the day came to hearthem, I decided to stay in bed instead. I understand intellectually andemotionally why I did that - who wants to face actual proof that you are infact losing your mind just a little bit every day?
My doctor was not to be thwarted - he phoned me instead to go through theresults of the PET scan I had taken the week before. He confirmed what Greg andI already knew - that I have early onset Alzheimer's at the age of 54.
I’ve done the research and I know exactly what is ahead of me and it'sterrifying. To be honest I believe it’s more harrowing for those who love me.At some point I will retreat into my own wee world while everyone else is leftgrieving the person who is still alive in front of them. I keep imagining ifthis was happening to Greg and what that might feel like – I simply cannot.
I am going to need a place to sort through my feelings and thoughts hencethis blog. I am also a weirdo who is fascinated to see if those reading my blogwill pick up on changes to my writing which I am sure you will. Finally, I wantthose I love to know what’s happening for me. I would like to encouragethem on this side of the journey and perhaps some of my thoughts will give themcomfort on the other.
One of my favourite movies is Amélie and I like the way we meet eachcharacter with a simple list of things that person loves so here goes my topfour things that helpfully begin with the letter G and are in no particularorder.
Greg is my favourite thing, my very favourite thing (Yes, it’s a linefrom Fringe but I do mean it)
Gabe is a small dog with a tiny brain and a massive heart. WhenI was a little girl, I had a teddy who I adored. I wished desperately for himto come alive at night-time and play with me. Gabe is that teddy bear and I getto hang out with him 24/7.
God is a conversation stopper if you find the other person does notbelieve as you do - but I hope you hang in there with me regardless. I feel atthe moment as though I am sitting in the palm of God's hands, and He haspromised that no matter what the journey ahead looks like He will be with meevery step of the way. That brings me a comfort which feels like a warmblanket on a frosty morning.
Garden is a magical place where Grace abounds and twirls. There is aseat which Greg made for me and it’s the place I go when the world gets toobig. The garden itself has grown organically with time, I planted shrubs in thewrong places and yet they thrive, some plants self-seed while others need morehelp - in short, I’m still learning. I have also decorated my meadow with windchimes, bird houses and anything shiny that will stay put amongst the trees.
It's best to tackle these things head on and so I am embracing whatevercomes next.