Thanks again for reading my childhood memories. I wanted to leave them somewhere and this is the perfect place.
It’s been just over two months since I left the building mentally for three days. It’s taken weeks to work out what was real, what was hallucination and admitting that there are many, many hours which are simply gone, never to return. I have a film reel in my brain but it contains only a “highlight reel” of random moments, snippets of conversations with people and a few events that happened during that time. I have been left with little that contains either detail or substance.
Unpacking all of that has been really uncomfortable but necessary and I need to recognise that most of that is due to some medication I was no longer tolerating. However, I also have to be honest that the other reason for the shift is because my dementia has worsened. It’s like it’s kicked up a gear and I’m moving slower as a result.
I was battling fatigue before I went “elsewhere” but since that time it has increased significantly. I am still ‘me’ and most of my memory is still whatever OK means. I’m still useless with time and small details are simply not for me. I write everything down and that really does help.
Some days however even if I wrote it down and reminded myself, I still manage to miss basic stuff. It’s frustrating but it’s just the way things are and I’m doing my best. That’s all I can really expect of myself - I ask myself “Am I doing or giving my best?” and if I can honestly reply that I am then what more can I ask of myself in the moment? It’s all any of us can do right?
My phone and iPad are essential to me, I know everyone believes that but for me they really are kind of my brain. They know the date, time, where I am supposed to be, codes and the answers to almost all my questions, no matter how many times I enquire. I thank Mr Jobs daily for being born when he was so that I could be alive right now to take full advantage of his incredible inventions. Talking with my peers I am told that we all worship at the altar of Steve, he certainly made a dent in MY universe and I’m so grateful.
I’m still getting out and about as much as I can and I’ve started back with the op shop windows but I now do them slightly slower. Church continues to feed the bits of me that matter most and Gabe is just delighted that Spring has arrived and his people are hanging outside with him more where he can recheck any leftover bones … just in case.
Bring on more long days with beautiful fauna, family, good friends and maybe just a glass or two of bubbles.