I was recently asked by a loved one if I think it’s possible that I’m talking myself into dying. While I genuinely appreciate the concern behind the query, I personally believe that only God speaks things into existence i.e. “Let there be light”. He is after all the ‘talking God’.
I said in my recent blog about quotes that I believe in speaking things into existence - so I can see where the question comes from. Also, this is not the first time this has come up so it’s worth exploring further.
I fervently believe in the power of words - both for good and evil. I spent ten years of my life hearing each and every day what was wrong with me and it took a terrible toll on my mind, heart and spirit. When I finally mustered the courage to get out of the marriage, I remember thinking that if I ever wrote a book about that period in my life I would title it - please stop trying to fix me, I’m NOT broken. Even now I still apologise for the most ridiculous things and it’s taken decades to un-programme myself. Sometimes the most controlling of people are dressed up to look like grandma when they are in fact the wolf who wants to devour you alive.
Thankfully God knew that Greg was waiting for me even if I didn’t know that at the time. Everyone deserves somebody who makes them look forward to tomorrow and Greg has provided that in ample amounts. My cup now literally spills over.
So, when I say that I believe in speaking things into existence I mean that the words I choose to read are important to me. It’s the same for what we prefer to watch and the people we elect to hang out with. For example - I was recently watching a great TV show that also had terrible language. I found myself swearing more than usual the next day and realised it was because I was binge watching a show with lots of it - I’d gotten desensitised.
If I concentrate on uplifting and joyful quotes and words, I believe that I am talking joy and a good attitude into my life. Does that make sense? To me the two concepts while having the same title mean very different things. One is Gods domain and one is mine.
If anyone knows that you can’t think or talk yourself to death it’s me. I spent two years wanting desperately to die and talked about it constantly with God, family and my closest friends. I can report back that thinking and talking about it regularly does not mean the dude with the scythe automatically turns up at your door.
I’ve said this before but it bears repeating - I don’t want to die but I have found a peace with my illness and acknowledge that it’s terminal. Because I know I’m going home to be with the creator of the universe I feel nothing but intrigue and frankly quite a bit of excitement about that particular journey. I get that may sound insane to many of you but it’s my truth and if it gives me assurance - that is all that really matters.
My mum’s side of the family spent generations NOT telling each other about some of the most important and personal details of their lives. For instance, I honestly believed that I had a long-lost relation who had shot himself while climbing over a fence. It took me years to realise that he had actually taken his own life and that this was the kind lie they had come up with to allow the rest of the family to save face. I suspect back then it was also so those left behind could collect insurance because if a death was found to be suicide claims were automatically rejected.
Mum regularly tells me stories of her childhood and about relatives who died before I was born. I often ask how they died and she usually has no idea, again you just didn’t talk about disease especially with the dying. God, forbid they know they are on their way out!
Thank the lord we have moved on from that way of thinking. If you’ve ever spent time at a hospice, you will know there can be beauty and wonder to be found when you spend time with the dying. They live only in the now and have an immediacy in both their words and actions. They have so much to teach us about how to live.
Facing the end is a personal journey and I have chosen to share mine with you. It’s very possible I will never meet many of you in person this side of the divide but I love that you keep coming back for more. There are now one thousand of you a month and all from one small Facebook post! Mind blowing.
Again, thank you for reading my words and thoughts. I never feel alone because you are walking this journey with me and that gives me more courage than you will ever know.